It can come like a tsunami…a life altering wave. With absolutely no warning I’m drowning, suddenly unable to breathe. I’m not thriving, and I’m barely surviving, I’m actually caught in the riptide unable to escape this reality that life has become. As I attempt to breathe, I inhale only water, but it’s not fresh water, it’s ocean water. The salt burns my sinuses, my throat, and my lungs. All I can do is attempt to yell, but drowning is silent and I’m dying peacefully in the background.

Sometimes – it comes like the tide, predictable and steady. Staying within its limits, and retreating on schedule. Encroaching just enough to send my nerves into overdrive. It’s manageable if you enjoy the constant feeling of unease. So I plunge through life, just avoiding those who make it worse. I just don’t have the energy to fake everything in life, and faking perfection is a lot more effort than you could ever imagine.

Lately, it’s like a lightning strike, electrifying and intense. Thankfully lightning only lasts for a few moments, and I’m only temporarily incapacitated. As I breathe I can quickly pull myself together before anyone notices… lightning is mystifying because it’s steadfastly unpredictable. You know the way the weather has to be for lightning, raining, snowing, just bad in general, and that’s what makes it steadfast. But it’s exact strike is unknowable, so you have to watch closely because it happens in a flash, creating the unknown side. And it vanishes within seconds, never to be seen again.

Briefly, it’s been a bright summer day, the wind in my face the sun in my hair. I’m living for once, without a care. No longer a walking tornado destruction is a thing of the past. I’ve conquered the battles, even if I’ve placed last. No one knows my story and that’s a fact, but maybe today I don’t have to put on an act. For once I can hope it will stay, but sadly it all seems to fade away.

The worst is how it changes, like the seasons coming and going as they weather the world. Sadly I’m experiencing the local weather; unable to officially amend, rotating through all the seasons who knows where it will finally end? Switching through different kinds of variations, how am I supposed to make preparations? Spring then summer, winter, and fall, but I can’t enjoy the change, so I helplessly bawl.

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